![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trabeeWhen I first planned to write this monthly, I decided not to include ramblings about my mental health and focus solely on things I did and places I went. I wanted a record of onlyl the good things. But I’ve since decided I want something that reflects my recovery, secondary to the original purpose. I stand by not wanting this to be a diary of my feelings. But my mental illness is an undeniable part of myself, so I'm going to write about it the way I would any other thing that goes on in my life. I'm really trying to notice the small good things because I think they're so forgettable but so important.
I spent New Year's Eve watching the fireworks with my family, which wasn’t ideal. But while I was disappointed, I was glad to start 2024 without a hangover. Finn made a speedy recovery from his one day illness, so we quickly made up for the not ideal time had by all by having a very sexy craft evening. I bundled a shit tonne of art supplies into a suitcase and, after some intense discussion, agreed on swapping a costa for a lift off of my sister. We did some lino printing, painting, and whatever else I can't remember. Finn's friend Ciaran was there! I was really glad to finally meet him, and he was every bit as lovely as he was hyped up to be. It was also nice to have someone else to bully Finn with. The day after a bunch of us went to the trans tearoom, which I always find very special. I tacked myself on to spending the next day at the bookshop for puzzle day and going for a drink with Finn’s mom and stepmom(and got a pint for £3.60!!) I spent some time with an ex/friend wandering around redbrick and going to Wetherspoons (shocker.) I got some really cool rolling papers that had a rolling tray built into the packet, and they were pink! I honestly can't remember which outing I picked them up on but I thought they were worth a mention. My fatal flaw is that I am a slave to capitalism when it comes to pink things.
I convinced mum to come with me on the journey back to London. My suitcase was hella heavy and the idea of carrying back alone made me want to cry. We didn't get up to anything too exciting, just dumped my suitcase and went for a coffee then mom went home. I had a really lovely Monday, going charity shopping after therapy. I took myself to two different areas, only buying an adorable bunny carrot ornament. I ended up in a lovely cafe where I got a mammoth bowl of amazing lentil soup and the best lemon and ginger tea I’ve ever had. While I was there I designed some ceramics that look really good in my head, and that I hope turn out the same in real life. I picked up some bits for Lucy and went to see her for a post-christmas catch up. The next day I slept through a blood test (how sad) then went to more therapy. After, I went to the pub to decompress and finish my designs. The same week, I started the process for a new oil painting that I haven't picked up since, made some progress on the piece I was making in ceramics, and had a really awkward EKG.
Lucy and I went to Camden to explore bits we haven't been to before. I was trying to find an outfit for a rave so we went to CyberDog. The CyberDog shop is really cool but their prices are quite high and their plus size range is less than perfect. We walked past The Cheese Bar, which naturally enticed us despite being kind of spenny. We had a bottle of posh wine and a mini cheese tasting board which was so good. I wish I could remember what cheese we had, and what they were paired with, but it was amazing. I’d never had a tasting thing of any kind before which led to a conversation that comes up often with Lucy and me: her background vs mine. She grew up very posh and I absolutely did not. It is worth noting that despite being in a posh family, Lucy is in a very similar boat to me in many senses. She has the benefit of having a council flat while I'm still in the process of getting one. I accidentally stayed over at her that night, I meant to leave and go home but I didn't want to wake her up by leaving and then it got late and I got myself a bit worked up so I just stayed where I was. I went home for a few days, then went back to Lucy’s to babysit Mr Snuffleupagus (the world's stupidest cat.)
A few of us went out for my friend’s 22nd and, in typical Travie style, I missed pre drinks and got to the rave a good while after everyone else. The night itself was pretty fun, nothing particularly out of the ordinary but I still had a really good time.
February began with a lot of time spent at Lucy’s. I often cat sit then spend a few days staying with her once she’s home. While she was gone, I spent an evening at my sister’s uni watching her perform in the musical theatre showcase. She was amazing and the post show debrief is always so entertaining because I get to put faces to names I hear in the gossip. I had a not very good time one of the days after going to pick up some meds, which began a nearly month-long funk that was very unpleasant and made going outside very difficult. But life goes on. We went to Princes Risborough to stay with our friend Ameila, who was dog sitting in an incredibly nice house that I want to have for myself. We went for a lovely dog walk up to a viewpoint, smoked, then Lucy actually cooked. She made a roast dinner that I was not allowed to interfere with because I’m an evil little control freak. We spent the evening definitely not on drugs, playing board games before going to bed early because we’re old people and love bedtime. The next morning we took the dog for a walk through some horse and sheep fields. It happened to be pancake day so I was put in charge of that to make up for the night before.
I had a very romantic valentines: a meeting at the job centre then a solo pint. But I did get Lucy a plant and a bottle of wine because I’m not sure but it feels right to get your big sister something if you have co-opted her sofa. I did eventually go back to my own flat. Rinse and repeat, regular routine, but still not doing great.
Lucy and I went back to The Cheese Bar for fondue Thursday because she wanted me to discover the joy of dipping stuff in cheese. Oh my god it was amazing, I’m now pro dipping stuff in cheese. I went on a trip to Kew Gardens, with Lucy and Amelia, for an orchid thing, quite the relaxing day out. We made a new friend by bumping into someone from Core Arts and I learned there are redwood trees in Hampstead Heath. Disappointingly not the size of the redwoods that grow in North America, but a fun thing to know anyway.
The whole of February I was preparing for the LGBT history month exhibition at Core Arts, no surprise that the painting I thought would take a week took four. I made slow progress, while also making some bowls for a pottery painting thing I’m setting up. I managed to finish the painting the night before.. My mom came down for the exhibition, we dropped off my painting before she dragged me to see a social worker. I’ve been needing to since November but I hate stuff like that so I just didn't. There's nothing like trying to convince a stranger you need more support than you’re currently getting. Really boring and really draining. The decision on whether I get the support has to be made by a team, so I left with no clear answer which meant no feeling of relief. What is the point of doing hard things if you get no satisfaction from having done them? Blah blah being an adult. Either way mom and I went for a walk, got some pizza then went to the exhibition. The work by all the other artists was so interesting; I felt really privileged to show my work alongside it, even if it was only an exhibition for service users and their friends. The music portion of the evening was also really good. When I think of music by mentally ill people at a charity my first thought isn't necessarily great, but I was pleasantly surprised. An act to note was an older guy in a purple waistcoat who got on stage and danced randomly to Rasputin by Boney M, while periodically shouting into the microphone. It genuinely was one of the best things I’ve seen. Two parts of a queer punk band closed the show. If I remember correctly they were called Music In Our Underpants, which is self explanatory. I wish I could do them justice with a description but I don't think I can. They did perform a ska version of lean on me and one of them was wearing a Transistrr shirt so that's an immediate win in my book. Once everyone had performed it turned into what was basically a school disco with alcohol. The next day Lucy and I went over to Amelia’s for dinner and we watched The Last Unicorn together, which was a pretty good end to my month I think.
I have started to feel better, and get my flat tidyish, which is a huge positive. I’m not really sure why I felt so rough but I’m glad it's mostly over now. I didn't really consume much new media in the last two months because I’m boring and do the same stuff all the time. The only new things have been watching Call the Midwife and playing Sims, both have been warmly welcomed by the goblin that lives in my skull. I also got a proper diary and made a proper budget, which have been less warmly welcomed but are good things anyway. I've also been making a conscious effort to drink less and put more effort into cooking for myself, not exciting but my bank account and body thank me. Overall doing positive things, however boring they are. I hate being an adult and having to do things like budgeting, because where is the enjoyment? Why can’t I just fuck around permanently? Oh well. Onwards and upwards.
